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Friday, 30 October 2015

Contagion

Evening all.

It'll be a couple of days before I respond fully to Textusa's latest work of fiction, but I thought I'd leave you with a couple of points to consider in the meantime


Firstly, Textusa has clearly sunk so far into a pit of her own making that she has lost the will to loon. Hence she is now recycling the ideas of other loons - in this case, Loon-in-chief, Tony ''FOI'' Bennett.

Yes, she's tossed in a few swingers for added flavour, rather like a cook who can't be arsed making a proper stock and lobs in an Oxo cube at the end, but essentially it's Bennett's theory with idiot-flavoured knobs on.


It's all very silly, as we will discover, but in the meantime, consider this:

How big a twat do you have to be to say to yourself "Oh my God, I am about to be unmasked as a swinger. I know - I will confuse them by pretending to be a child killer instead! That'll throw them off the scent''?

In the meantime, a note of caution to our readers: Textusa has clearly contracted Bennettitis, a rare and debilitating condition. Or Bennett has contracted Textusa Fever, a similarly debilitating condition, which also, distressingly, leaves the sufferer smelling of wee. 

This raises the Doomsday scenario that either one, or both, has gone airborne.

The WHO have been concerned about this possibility for some time, and have produced a checklist of symptoms. You should consider Bennettitis or Textusa Fever if you observe any of the following:


  • Bloodshot, staring eyes
  • Compulsively creates additional accounts and conducts conversations with self
  • OCD symptoms, which may involve the sufferer being unable to walk through their own front door unless they have completed three FOI requests, or one dossier.
  • A manic use of flipcharts, organisational arrows or maps of PdL with luminous shite scrawled all over them.
  • An obsession with the security services
  • May make reference to ''Black Ops'' and believe themselves under scrutiny by MI5.
  • Smells of wee (usually only present in Textusa Fever)
  • Delusions are common - sufferers may believe they are a barrister and try to get into court wearing a gown and wig (only present in Bennettitis)
If you observe any of the above, do not try to handle them on your own.

Call 999 and ask for the Lunatic Isolation team, or email 


for further advice.

Stay safe, people. 

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